A True Compendium of My Unique Education
“Writing”
kay em eye
Jun 7, 2008
Killer eyes to make pronounced a beautiful smile smiting
Rising suns, in competition, burn out in the midst of fighting
Irony, unappeasing, at my swollen throat, keeps squeezing
Simple signs of harder times, if you I am not pleasing
Tie me to these tracks so you can taste the sickness deep inside
Exit love in bitter pain, miles deep and lightyears wide
No place is adequate shelter for a shivering soul from a hurtful word
Inside, though, we all hide with hope, knowing full well that hope’s absurd
Ride it out, we’re told, and time will heal what medicine won’t touch
Vile desire in my heart afire, or I’m a liar, and you’re my crutch
I can walk again without you now, if from your song I can escape
No track can haunt so well as that in my ears when your voice takes shape
it's a challenge.
Apr 5, 2007
you’re fully grown, and i alone, in pride did die as no stars shone. the dark, it’s mark left in the spark of waking moments locked in stone. it’s art, she says, but doesn’t stay, and as she starts to walk away, she touches the wall with her finger tips, and i lock my eyes upon her lips; she puts her hands on her hips, and scolds me with her eyes in silence. she knows every problem solved in rhythm crops up in cadence beat by beat, never quiet, we choose to give ‘em screams in painted agony, locking in the heat of every whispered song of science, every peace done in by violence, each mountain topped in blind defiance, my dependent sense of self reliance. it dissipates in moments breathing, on our backs with our chests heaving, even as our hearts are screaming, our poisoned eyes disbelieving it isn’t lust what becomes this evening. isn’t love what hearts are seeing; isn’t fate what minds are meaning? isn’t greatness lost in being; is afterlife where lives are leaning? the sky cannot be wrought with feeling as long as eyes are unappealing in dark that goes from floor to ceiling, until morning light dives in revealing all the time we left uncovered,the bodies unexplored, the moments that we severed unappreciatively, retroactively revealing all which was never meant for one another’s eyes: the lies that represent all the ties that bind us to the unspoken contracts of our empty lives, the ones that cut us to the core, as to the reddest apples with the sharpest knives.
p.s. hannah’s little brother is a hottie. he’s a master at karate.
tell me what comes.
Apr 1, 2007
is every explosion conceived in a spark of chemistry bound to simmer in the slow-boiling waters of time and distance? is falling for a dream better than falling for the ghost of a dream, and is falling for the ghost of a dream better than falling into the realities of today’s lingering responsibilities, beckoning like the gentle whisper of a fire engine’s siren, or the soothing sound of a steam engine’s whistle?
all our ties manifest in nothing soothing or gentle, only the blaring horns of the things that keep us from feeling free.
i hope the couple things that keep me feeling free never dissolve into air so thin it can’t be breathed.
Three More Seasons
Feb 5, 2007
It’s not impossible to see the beauty in a cold winter night
Not when you can stop before the door of a warm house
And stare up at a sky which holds no stars
And which has hidden the moon
Your problems melt away as do the snowflakes on your face
The sky is cold and its tiny droplets are frozen
But somehow you’re thankful for its icy tears
As you think about a girl you don’t even know
And a job you don’t even have
School can wait because the weather doesn’t
It’s time to enjoy something you’ve never noticed before
A loveliness which you’ve forgotten could ever exist
Don’t you remember those cold nights of years ago
When you could roll around and get soaked through your clothes
Knowing you’d have the whole next day to warm up and dry off
When school would say “Canceled” and mom would say “Hot Chocolate!”
Sometimes it was just the store brand stuff
But you can’t remember ever caring
It all tastes the same as it chases away the cold
How could times like those ever be forgotten
Even for a while?
The deck would freeze over sometimes
If you were feeling brave, you’d sled down those icy wooden steps
Or maybe you’d just dare your brother to do it
He’s young and would do anything to please you
A night like this makes you wonder
How anyone could ever miss the stars
The ambient light which reflects off the white
Gives you all the brightness you need and more
Nobody who is true to himself likes the dark
Wish for the snowflakes to keep on falling
Because on a night like this, it’s the only thing that matters
Or the things you can remember are the only things that matter
Or nothing matters, and it’s time just to catch the icy tears
On your face and on your tongue, and let them melt
Into the liquid form for which tears were meant
And have them fall to the cold earth
And maybe freeze again, prolonging the inevitable
Fighting nature
Just trying to live as something other than a tear brought on
By past winter memories and present’s harsh reality
That “forever” is just a word
And that old winters have suffered the same fate
As yesterday’s tears
A Repost of Edging the Coastline
Jan 29, 2007
With every dotted line painted on this plain, gray canvas
We’re closer to escape, from all the things that hold us back
Our memories burn away in our minds with every passing road sign
It’s on now, to a new life where the stars are still alive in our sky
Moonlight shines through these windows, and I can see your eyes as I drive
The heavens are cloudless, and all the lies were left behind
In the wake of screaming tires that almost set our street on fire
It’s about time we hit the play button; our dreams have been on pause too long
Drawing nearer to the coast, our hearts bleed out the silence we had locked away
We taught ourselves to get along with all the things we needed but didn’t have
When all you do is what you have to, and all you know is what they tell you,
Life does a fast fade from color to gray, and sometimes all you can do to get away is drive
And we’re forgetting our old lives, replacing city suffocation with the breath of open water
Remember what we find here on this ride, you and I, and smile softly as the stars shine
It’ll be half light soon, not headlights, guiding our way as roads become ocean and fields become sand
Old meaning is finally leaving, and I inhale, breathing in what’s left for me
It’s you there sitting next to me, and finally we’ve broken free
there was something, and now there's not
Jul 12, 2006
i spent a really long time typing out an entry, and then i lost it all. so i leave you with a poem that has short, rhyming lines. i don’t really care what you think about my spiteful lighthouse in a state of disrepair.
if i’m just a tower
and i serve no purpose
then you’re just a sailor
and i make you nervous
don’t expect light
make your own path to follow
the flame is my eye
the reef is my arrow
trust is my right
and all words i utter
left without light
in darkness you shudder
and in my delight
i’ll be with my lover
the rocky shoal
your body’s tossed over
i drink the sea
and salt eats my walls
the paint chips off
as the cool wind calls
our paths will cross
as the wind shifts westward
you are the sheep
but i am no shepherd
i care not for the flock
as you beg fate’s wrath
i’ll stand as you drown
in my saltwater bath
and as you call out
with your dying breath
no god can save you
as you breathe to death
One more thing:
Emotion is really the absence of reason, and in the absence of reason, people will always falter.
This blog entry is too long for you. You will never read all of this. They’re just memories.
Apr 27, 2006
Here’s to the past that makes the present almost unbearable. Here’s to hearts and stars and driving cars. Here’s to never getting blamed. Here’s to never having to say “forever.” Here’s to the pain we might still feel on cold, hard nights. Here’s to the way you used to look at me. Here’s to old ideas of white dresses. Here’s to the idea that sex is love. Here’s to the idea that love is love. Here’s to me, at 5:01 a.m., thinking about the things that matter least and the people that matter most. Here’s to the exes, and all those lessons. Here’s to the lies people tell themselves to feel better about the lives they live and the choices they make. Here’s to the girl that was always beautiful in my eyes and always will be beautiful in my eyes. Here’s to what I still feel. We’ve gone too long not to go on.
I want to learn more about music. I want to know how to play the piano, dumb as that may sound. I want to do more for everyone else, but not at the cost of my own satisfaction. My problem is that’s what I pay out for fulfillment. There are people to whom I give when I can’t afford emotionally to do so.
…
Scarred by a summer whose promises are smoked, then exhaled
But the spark is dying and we’re just lying to ourselves
We’re just buying into the myth that a certain freedom is a certain happiness
Does what you’ve bought reflect the cost?
When time becomes just what’s between the lines
And the space is wasted on things you can taste but not savor
Then you should realize sustenance is meaningless, and life is without the flavors of trust and friendship
While those lost in the trials of childhood drown in the waters of the past
There might be no friends that last throughout
Beginnings and ends cast doubt on what’s now
But what’s then tends never to fade solidly away
The future’s coming, but is it any brighter than today?
There’s a girl I love, and perhaps she’s waiting
But she doesn’t get along with the boy she’s dating
And I know a guy who’s sure what satisfaction brings
But his pills don’t erase all the unhappy things
And while a genius might draw just like a child
He cannot survive in a wild world of what it is to be young and unknowing
Words have stung just by going straight to the heart
Unprocessed by the part of you that should be looking out
In truth without doubt, there were eyes so blue that never should have faded
But being young and jaded leaves your face just a memory
And I’ll trace it like I trace your lips, with the softest touch
Summer’s too much, and your promises have already dissipated
Leaving your lungs eviscerated, and suffocating sparks of honesty while the flames of distrust burn on
I have long since gone, but as you move to put the fires out
You’ll open up your mouth
And tell me again that you’ll do it because you love me
I’m still stuck in my head with the realization that this isn’t even a forum for personal thought because of considerations I have to make. It’s never any good to have too many secrets – that means life is taking a wrong turn. When you can tell anyone anything, that’s when you know you’re all right. I can’t tell anyone much, and while it’s mine to fix, it’s mine to burden me with. In the future, I promise to try to do better.
Edging the Coastline
Mar 13, 2006
With every dotted line painted on this plain, gray canvas
We’re closer to escape, from all the things that hold us back
Our memories burn away in our minds with every passing road sign
It’s on now, to a new life where the stars are still alive in our sky
Moonlight shines through these windows, and I can see your eyes as I drive
The heavens are cloudless, and all the lies were left behind
In the wake of screaming tires that almost set our street on fire
It’s about time we hit play; our dreams have been on pause too long
Drawing nearer to the coast, our hearts bleed out the silence we had locked away
We taught ourselves to get along with all the things we needed but didn’t have
When all you do is what you have to, and all you know is what they tell you,
Life does a fast fade from color to gray, and sometimes all you can do to get away is drive
And we’re forgetting our old lives, replacing city suffocation with the breath of open water
Remember what we find here on this ride, you and I, and smile softly as the stars shine
It’ll be half light soon, not headlights, guiding our way as roads become ocean and fields become sand
Old meaning is finally leaving, and I inhale, breathing in what’s left for me
It’s you there sitting next to me, and finally we’ve broken free
There's no future here
Jul 16, 2005
I played around with the sky tonight
Made its stars into pictures of you
Tied a string to your heart; it flew like a kite
We gotta do this ’til we get it right
So much that I’ve done has been wrong, I confess
I’ll only admit it to God and you
Tears from your eyes to your face; its sweet flesh
Reminds me of times when we loved at our best
What makes you happy won’t always be fake
The mirror reflects what’s truly you
If you ache ’til your soul can no longer ache
Then you’ll break ’til your heart can no longer break
So I’ll play around with your dreams tonight
Until they’re all movies of me and you
I’ll stay around and be willing to fight
For all your black to be gray, and your gray to be white
