A True Compendium of My Unique Education
I’ve Been Thinking…
Major, brain-melting thought waves.
Have you ever erased it?
Feb 3, 2006
Your past, I mean. Or part of it. Ever just took the friendships and events from part of your past and just pretended they never occurred? Just started seeing those people that you are so familiar with, and nodding to them as if they were mere acquaintences? Then keep on doing that every time until no conversations started… until those people really became acquaintences?
I know I’ve come close, but I’ve never just been able to pretend that much. Even when I run into people I don’t necessarily prefer to keep company with these days (for whatever reason), I still find that inside I am excited to see them. I like the memories, and I like the idea that maybe somewhere there is still a chance for new ones to look back on. Surely it’s unhealthy to have that kind of relationship with the past, but I don’t care. The past can cloud my present, but it won’t confuse my future.
If you find that you’re the person who has a propensity to forget the past or all the meaningful moments from a part of your life, then I hope you’re happy living the present. It’ll cause less pain when those close to you start to die off. It’ll cause less confusion when you don’t have to wonder why your relationships suddenly ended or what it was that made you have to shut down in the first place. It’ll eliminate your need to reflect on the things that have gotten you where you are now (which can be a blessing if you’re in a bad spot, ’cause you won’t have to make yourself feel guilty for anything).
But would you honestly seek not to feel things? Would you understand that if you tried to cure your unhappiness through therapy, then the things I mentioned above don’t apply? If your quest to be happy was a quest to feel, then ought you not immerse yourself in all the memories you can? Shouldn’t you embrace pain in order to enhance your ability to embrace pleasure and happiness, especially present happiness?
But I’m no expert, because I’m neurotic. I love and hate everything. I barely stand for anything, because objectivity comes easy to me. I like ethical living when it doesn’t get tangled up with public morality. I just wanna say that if you want to forget me, that’s okay. I may get over it, and I may not get over it. In some moments, I’ll judge you, and in others I’ll make excuses for your actions. But I’ll never forget you, and I’ll always love and hate you if you were my friend. Being a part of the past doesn’t mean you won’t be a part of the future.
And my friendship might be important if you break your lover’s heart, and alienate all who care for you. When the events you incur finally come full-circle, I want to believe I’ll welcome you back, hand out or arms open.
In the meantime, I don’t need help to realize that I’ve got so much to live for. I’m confident in the importance of my life to those around me. And I hope that my friendship is freely available to everyone, because I’d hate to shut out the people who need me.
Don’t erase a past that isn’t so incredibly painful it could kill you. Don’t say goodbye to people that you know love you. Don’t put your faith in a happy pill, because there is no such thing. You make happiness, you determine the future, and you take the responsibility that comes along with that determination and the happiness you create, especially when it’s at the expense of those who care about you.
We are all nothing
Jan 15, 2006
This is interesting, but incomplete. There is so much more I want to write, but I’m sure no one has the patience for it:
I spent the whole day today thinking about space, and what it really is, and what it means. I’m still trying to wrap my mind around the fact that more than 99% of everything we see is nothing. Does anyone know the definition of nothing?
Empty Space. Nothing is empty space. Empty space is nothing.
So, here it is, plain and simple. All of your hopes, your dreams, your realities, all of the people you love and hate, all of the books that you read and the food that you eat are 99.9% empty space. We see nothing, we eat nothing, we love nothing, we are nothing. And yet we live and breathe. We talk and laugh. We love, we cry, we feel. Something is going on here.
The vast majority of everything that surrounds us, and everything that surrounds everything that surrounds us is made up of nothing but the empty space between the nucleus of a variety of atoms and their orbiting electrons.
Whatever breaks you, whatever makes you hurt, whatever affects your life in such a way that you feel you cannot go on…is almost completely nothing. It barely exists.
You can look at it positively or negatively, but no matter how you look at it, it’s such an amazing thing to think about. Inspiring, even.
And completely true.
I hope everyone can take a second to pause and think about the really little things that might not have seemed to matter. Because it’s the most miniscule things (like the small amount of our universe that isn’t nothing) that can make all of the difference. It’s a played out cliché, but people repeat those things for a reason.
I hope everyone is well, especially those whom I barely get to talk to anymore.
Kevin M. Frey
Jan. 15, 2006
i owe you
Jan 1, 2006
I want to believe it’s better to be hurt sometimes and still be able to maintain that mechanism which allows one to love and have faith in the rewards of selflessness and charity.
I hope one day I’ll meet a substantial someone that can help me grow in that ideal.
I have trouble developing and maintaining attachments to people. If the new year is really a chance to begin again, then I want to fix that.
To everyone who reads this: happy New Year, and I wish you so much luck, even if you’re someone I don’t know very well or someone with whom I don’t always get along well.
I hope that everyone fulfills for themselves the hopes that I hold for me, even if I myself never achieve those goals.
Much luck, love, and success, and many blessings in 2006.
