I’ve Been Thinking…

Back in 2002-ish, The Perks of Being a Wallflower was a really trendy book, and I was told so many times I needed to read it, but I didn’t, because people liked it so much. It was natural for me to resist, but at some point, because it was supposed to be so good, I bought it for Emily (or so she says . Well, she finally read it, and really liked it, so she gave it to me a month or so ago, insisting that I read it. I did.

Big surprise – it is a really good book. The novel isn’t without its flaws (some of the letters are too “booky” to be letters), but some of the flaws probably aren’t really flaws, and instead are present out of necessity, due to the format in which the book is written. The main character, Charlie, writes a series of letters to a “friend” – someone he doesn’t really know, but has heard respectable things about. These letters make up the book. They follow Charlie through his freshman year of high school, as he makes friends, breaks hearts, does drugs, and discovers himself.

In the book, it’s clear that Charlie is the wallflower, but as the reader, you can’t help but feel that you are also a wallflower, silently standing by, gathering insight from this kid’s journey through one of the most tumultuous periods in his life. I couldn’t help but personally identify with the character (more than I care to admit, in some ways), as I recalled many of my own awkward and infinite moments in high school, but, moreover, I couldn’t help comparing some of Charlie’s attributes and experiences to those of my friends. Parts of this character (and others) fit so many people, which adds to the realism of the story, allowing you to associate most characters and events with your own real-life equivalents.

When all is said and done, Stephen Chbosky, the author, has painted a relatively universal picture of what it is like to experience many teenage firsts, and it’s hard to believe anyone could read this book without remembering what it was like “back then.”

What guy, as a personal challenge, would manipulate a girl’s perception of the way he felt about her, convincing himself it came naturally? Who would take on a member of the opposite sex as a project — something to interact with so that he could make note of the emotions and the reactions?

To keep every smile on a sheet of paper, and make every touch a hash mark in a mental journal, is to learn how to look at people through the eyes of a stranger, while they’re stuck believing they are getting to know the ‘real’ you. Play coy. Play stupid. Play aloof. Play distant. Be distant. What made you that way?

Who are you now? You got everything you ever wanted from every relationship you’ve ever been in, and still didn’t know when to walk away. Play the social scientist until your experiment is sick with the realization that she is out in the cold, alone. And she was always alone. You were either kind enough not to let her know it, or you were cruel enough.

It doesn’t seem so bad when you fool her into thinking she’s the one walking out the door. It’ll be good for her not to feel like she’s been pushed. At the end, they all felt assertive, except the ones who believed in you too much to realize they had no chance. Those were the ones whose hopes, trapped beneath the surface tension of a warm, wet droplet, fell down their faces one by one, as they lowered their eyes to avoid your cold stare.

Thank God you’ve hung up your lab coat. Is it permanent?

Anyone who was offended by anything in my last post, including the title… I don’t even care a little bit. Happy June!

This relates to our ever-changing perspective of people as we transition from childhood to adulthood. It’s about how getting older doesn’t make anything easier. As a child, you look at adults and take certain things for granted. They teach you. They know what’s going on. They have all the answers. Your parents have all the answers. As you get older, you start to believe that they don’t have all the answers, but that belief comes out of an unwillingness to feel like they’re capable of understanding you and identifying with you. It’s not that you know they don’t have the answers; it’s just how you feel in those moments when you think you know best. Then you get even older. This is where it gets weird, because you start seeing yourself as an adult, and other adults as people, as peers. The interesting thing is, as you come out of your teenage years, for all your experiences and all your new-found knowledge, you have the same problems. The difference is that you’re essentially expected to handle them as if they aren’t problems. You’re expected to act as if you have the answers, or if you don’t have them, that you know exactly where to find them. This is where you start to know that being an adult doesn’t mean you have the answers.

Some feelings never go away. That’s the sick thing about growing up – you’re never totally grown up. You just look like a grown-up, and you’re supposed to act like it, but you’re just a person. Physically, you’re older. Mentally, you’re older. Hopefully emotionally, you’re older too. But even parents are just people. They’re individuals, dealing with everything that life throws at them. They never had any special powers over reality – just the magic of parenthood. After a while, you can’t continue seeing them as people who know everything, and who are always there to bail you out of every little problem you cause or become involved with. If you’re really unlucky, you won’t realize it until it’s too late. Not only are you on your own, but you always were, because everyone else can only guess for you, and you let them do it. You always did.

I wish I was less naive as a kid. I wish I realized things would essentially stay the same. As an adult, I see that some people are still unwilling to share. Some people will still stab you in the back. Many will continue to lie. Many will love you only for what you can give them.

But it’s okay. If you switch jobs, you’re still going to have people who reach out to you, just for the sake of being friendly. You’ll still have a best friend, and you’ll have a better understanding of why that person is so important to you, which is something you may not have been able to put into words when you were 11. You’ll still take things for granted, but you’ll also be able step back and look at yourself, and hopefully have the insight to correct bad situations, and develop the foresight to avoid them in the future. If you’re fortunate, you’ll find love from someone who wants love in return, without an overwhelming desire for wealth or control. Without silly conditions.

The bottom line is that being an adult doesn’t mean you’re free from the petty things of this world, and instead of being shielded from them, you may have to reach out and protect someone else. You may have to stand up and take some sort of stand, or corrective action. You may have to pretend you know the answers when you don’t have a clue. You will face the deaths of friends and loved ones, but you’ll have consolation from those who love you. Or you’ll be consoling someone else.

Initially this entry focused on negative aspects of adulthood, but the truth is, while things get no easier, it doesn’t necessarily mean they get harder. It just means they change, and it won’t always be easy to deal with them, but you should be used to it, because it was never easy. Nothing worth having comes without effort. Nothing good falls into your lap. You either have to work to get it, or you have to work to keep it.